I guess I owe words to everyone who have been reading and posting.  Firstly, I will apologize for the absence for the last few days, not just from the blog but from the overall community.  Where to start, where to start.  For me, the last few days have been the hardest that I’ve been struggling in most recent times, I will be honest I haven’t been able to keep up with working out alongside the P90X work outs.  I am a person who is not easily overwhelmed but when it happens – I tend to have a hard time finding the strength to really function properly.  Am I a depressed person ?  Normally, yes – yet when I find myself around Elisha, its so hard to be miserable, not for the account of acting differently.  Its just that she somehow rids me of my misery, I don’t have to act around her, I just simply am.  Do I act ?  Yes, I think we all do.  Myself, I act very differently when around my family.  I mentioned before that I am a self harmer, and its due to that negative coping mechanism on my part that I have a hard time functioning – some of my family knows and some of them do not.  Either way, none of them really understand just how hard things tend to get for me.  I don’t think everyone really understands just how hard on myself I get, I do make excuses for myself, I try to justify everything but more so than anything – I try to give excuses to those who treat me poorly and I accept it.  From the P90X Kenpo X post until now, my family have been preparing for my grandparents fiftieth wedding anniversary.  It has been really stressful on me since I’ve been the one that everyone seems to have apparently nominated to get things in cleaned up around the house.  So I spent a day moving office furniture out of the back room so that a carpet can be installed, to which I hurt my back on it, I tried to say no but, to which I was berated, and well, like Elisha would say ‘ I caved ‘  

Which brings my thoughts to another subject, the woman that I love – Elisha.  From the writing of P90X Kenpo X until now she asked me a question, to move over to the States with her, and her family when they came to visit for my grandparents fifteith wedding anniversary.  With that question brought force the most difficult thinking of a long time.  To some it’d be easy, yet, for Elisha and I – things are very difficult.  We live two and a half hours away from one another, but that two and a half hours is seperated by an international border.  She is American, and I – Canadian.  We found one another on the internet, started chatting for hours without exhaust, and then met – not long after having started talking with one another.  That first moment I met her, I just knew that my life with her was about to begin anew – if I’d let it.  I’ve been under the stress from others, who’ve said that love will get you so far but then you have to be realistic, that love can’t keep a roof over your head, or food on the table.  I’ve believed that, and I’ve let that thinking rule me, I’ve believed my family, and in all honesty, that’s how I was raised to believe that money is required for everything.  In preparing for the wedding, I’ve been working in my family’s delivery business, and for years I just really was able to take the bit of money that I needed in order to get by month to month – year to year.  It wan’t until April that I actually started to get paid, and I thought that things would change, especially with getting a steady income, finally.  I worked hard, I made it through the month, Elisha worried, and yet, I found accomplishment from it, I was about thirteen hundred dollars richer, to me that was something, since I’ve never had that much money really, that in years I’ve never had that much in my pocket.  I felt so happy walking around with a thousand dollars in twenty dollars bills in my pocket.  I mean for the wedding, it’d help pay so much, it’d help so much for starting out our lives together since she is young, and I – well, I have just been too trusting of my family.  Most of it has been my fault, since I just didn’t really care, I didn’t really care about much until I met Elisha, then I just started to figure out things, I worried about things – I had to get my life back together.  That was my main focus, to get my life together for the benefit of her, so we could be together.  I’ve felt that I’ve needed money for the last while now, that I’ve put a rift in our relationship because of my male pride – I didn’t want to move over to the States to be with her if it met having her work to take care of me, if it meant having her family take care of me – with me to only do small odds, and ends around the house for family, and friends.  I mean what kind of a man I kept thinking would I be if I just picked up to move there, so that Elisha would work hard to take care of us, to work hard to take care of expenses – I want to contribute, I want to be a Man, I want to take care of my responsibilities, and her family has been so accepting of me that I’ve just been a moron.  My family, they just feel like Elisha is taking me away from them, but, their biggest problem with Elisha, and I getting married is that I want to leave their business behind, that I want to make a honest wage, that I want to have a secure, and stable job, future, life for Elisha and I.  I’ve been so damn lost, since all this stress I’ve been struggling with, I’ve been keeping with myself, because I have to deal with this – to me this is life.  I’ve always coped, and dealt in my own manner – which if a person looks at my arms – you’ll notice that I’ve been unsuccessful to cope and deal with it for years.  I’ve managed to stop pretty much cold turkey from causing myself harm, and soon it’ll be a year, a whole year that I’ve struggled with life, that I’ve been happy, that I’ve managed to cope with life – better than before.  

Then today, Elisha went home . . . . without me.  I’m an emotionally wreak.  I’m devastated, I came in the house in tears, I went to my room, and cried.  I haven’t meant to put such stress on her, to have her give me her heart so that I can keep getting her hopes up, to only have them let down.  She cried so hard this afternoon when it came time to say good bye, that just thinking about this afternoon I’m starting to fall apart again.  I’m sure some people understand, but my family – they don’t understand how hard the distance is on us, how hard things are on our hearts.  I’ve been idle by in hopes that my family would give me the money that I’ve worked hard for, that I’ve been trying to reclaim, in the excess of ten thousand dollars.  Elisha wants me to walk away from it, but this is money that can pay the four thousand dollar expense of me immigrating to the United States, it can be a big stake to pay the wedding expenses, and most of all – it can help to get our life started – together.  How do you walk away ?  How do you forget ?  But mostly, how do you walk away when you know if you walk away before the wedding, some of them will go to your wedding but two people – the people who raised you, would be so hurt, they wouldn’t go to the wedding ?   That’s been killing me, how do I walk away from them knowing to do that – they will not be at the most important day in my life, the most important day in Elisha’s life.  I’ve been falling apart, and with stress things only get harder for me, I have such a hard time dealing with stress.  Yet, from the P90X Kenpo X post until know, something even bigger has changed, I may be a father.  I know Elisha will read this, and get upset since we just don’t know fully yet, she took a test, and it turned out negative, but her family, her mom, and grandma both of which I love dearly – think that I may be a father.  In all fairness, I am not upset by this, but I am taken by surprise by it, I am anxious, I am happy, I am sad, I am worried, I feel guitly, and I feel lost by it all.  I am trying to make sense of everything, and I found that writing it all down, makes me feel somewhat normal since I am dealing with all my stresses in a manner that doesn’t take it out on myself, that doesn’t put me at risk.  This is just my kind of way of feeling like other people, feeling somewhat normal – when a lot of the time I just don’t.  I’m just trying to explain where I’ve been for the last few days, whats been up, not trying to make excuses but to explain to all of you – my friends – whats been going on, where I’ve been, why I’ve just felt so lost.  When I was told that I may be a father, I have been going through all the motions of my daily routines, so lost in thought, especially since we are so far apart from one another, I’m not much of a support for Elisha, in her daily life.  I can’t do the simple things with her like hold her at night when she is not feeling good, we can’t comfort one another – because I make things so damn hard for us, I’m the one who can’t get it out of my head that to be together will involve sacrifices, but in all the time I’ve been preparing myself to be without family, I just can’t bring myself to possibly say good bye forever to them, since I feel – and I know in my heart that I will be disowned by my grandparents the people who raised me, for leaving the business behind to move on with my life, to put myself first instead of them like I’ve been doing for the last five years.  Today, I finally made a decision that I will be starting to gather up my personal belongings, and packing it up so that I can move my essential things so that I can be with Elisha.  She wanted me to leave today with her, but I just couldn’t . . . I put my family first . . . again – instead of her.  What in God’s name am I doing ?  I’m such a damn idiot, and I’m sorry to everyone.  Will I get back to P90X ?  Yes.  And right now, I’m just starting to hurt again, my head is aching, and my heart it feels like it is breaking.  I am sorry to all of you.  I am sorry to everyone, even to you Elisha – I am sorry for making you cry, and getting your hopes up just to bring them crashing down. 

Well, here goes. 

This morning I started doing the P90X Legs & Back, that was nearly impossible for me just in the beginning.  I kept at it, I think the first twenty minutes of the P90X Legs & Back Dvd turned into a fast forty five minutes, since I just couldn’t get the balance lunges down, but I had to keep at it.  So there I was back tracking, studying, and watching intently to make sure I was doing things to get the most burn from the exercise.  The hard part for me was that I just couldn’t keep my balance, yet it looked so easy that I just couldn’t give up and let myself move on.  So I worked at it, more and more, and then finally I worn myself out just from that first forty minutes trying so hard to get my balance, to perfect what looked so utterly easy but turned out to be something so much more difficult.  And that was just the first exercise, there was still another easy forty nine minutes to go. 

The other exercises, for the first time, just wiped me out half way through.  I found myself able to do them somewhat but it was just that first exercise that really is stuck in my mind.  You’re talking fifty minutes of an intensive leg and back work out the likes I’ve never seen.  My friend, he’s ex military, and right now he’s training to go back to running marathons, but still I don’t think even he’d have an easy time keeping up.  I still am getting my ass kicked just in the beginning with the warm ups, I had to pause that just to get through.  Come to find out, that the air conditioner had been turned off this morning, here where I am the weather with humidity felt like a nice 104 F [or 40 C]  I had to recoup and gather myself.  I drank lots of water, to re hydrate but still found it hard to go back at it again, I mean after the beginning part of the work out, the balance lunges then to the squats was just hitting me hard.  I kept hitting that pause button, and I found myself able to make it to the thirty minute mark, but that was about it for me.  To be whole heartedly honest, I can’t do the Ab Ripper X tonight, I’m just completely wiped out from the bit of leg work out that I did, yet I have other things to make note of that may prove to be just has impressive if not more so.

Yesterday, I did the Yoga X, and then after that I went to help a friend move.  It was hard, it was hot, and I just kept at it, I was determined to see them moved.  I pushed myself hard, my arms were still hurting from their work out but, I felt stronger, I felt able to handle heavier weights, I found myself breathing heavy and exhausted but I still moved some heavy stuff.  It was a hard move.  Something that everyone reading should perhaps know is that I use to be a self harmer, and that took such a toll on my body.  Its something that I try hard to ignore, but its something that is proving to be a pivotal reminder in just what I can do, and while its proving to be challenging for the things that I just can’t seem to do – Yet !   I am trying hard to be normal, to lead a relatively normal life, and as much as I want to be treated normal I find that in my own mind I can’t seem to let go of the fact that I am just not like everyone else.  I think the thing thats really sticking out in my mind is that my friend’s brother was there, he helped a bit, but when I got there – I decided that I’d take my long sleeves off since it was so hot, and I forgot that my arms the scars on them tend to change colors has the blood flow in my body increases due to exertion.  I didn’t really care since I was there to help a friend, yet, the way that he looked at my arms staring, and then it moved to casually glacing at them.  I couldn’t help but think that I somehow made him uncomfortable, that somehow I was responsible for his premature departure from helping yet, then I am reminded that given a chance he’d have left anyway.  I guess I’m sorry for being slightly depressing tonight, but I can’t help reflecting in my writing, this is a place where I can talk freely.  I took to blogging about the P90X Work Out System, but has we spend the next ninety days together I can’t help but feel that I don’t want to just simply be an adovcate for a work out system but rather I want to be a person who you can all tell is working hard at changing not just my body, but my mindset – that I am trying to grow has a person to overcome obstacles.  I want you to know that I am human, just like you, I have complications, I have my challenges, I have my obstacles, and trust me – I will overcome them, I am starting to find out that P90X gives me the tools to get my body in shape, but its the mind that really needs to be sharpened since it requires dedication, it requires motivation, and most of all – it requires great people who take the time to read the blog, to take the time to write, to take the time to share with me your experiences, and mostly to share yourself with not just me but the rest of the world who comes across these words of OURS – they aren’t just mine, it takes us all to make this community, and I am glad to be able to share in it with all of you. 

Once again, thank you all for taking the time to read my review, and to read my rant. 

With Great Respects,

James

Ps. Be Well, Be Well To Others & You’ll Be Great !

Good afternoon everyone, especially to those people who are along for my journey.  To those of you who are starting out, I think if memory serves me correctly a young woman by the name of Cassandra will be starting out with us.  Then to Corey, I just have to say thank you, I’ve managed to bring a whole new attitude to my work outs.  I guess that was all that I really needed, just some tough words. 

I will be honest with everyone, I did the Arms & Shoulders today, and Oh My Gawd !  I was hurting but in a good way, I made it all the way until Tony said you can shut it off or you can keep going, my body said that I had enough, but I worked it hard.  Once again, I hit back track quite a bit since in my opinion they could’ve done a better job at showing how to do the correct form in some of the exercises, especially that Chair Dip – that one took me a few back tracks to get the understanding form narrowed down, and then to attempt.  I managed to get one out of myself, but then I just couldn’t so I watched taking careful mental notes.  I started out with the yellow P90X Resistance Band which is a 35 lbs. pull, then I had to bring it back down to the pink P90X Resistance Band which is a 15 lbs. pull to do the ones behind the head, extending the arms upwards.  I have tissue damage to the muscle fibers in my arms, so this was a really tricky exercise, but when I got the hang of it, I found myself just ‘zoning’ out and going with the flow of things.  I particularly like that exercise, and I can see myself doing a few sets each day, to help rebuild and build up the muscle.  I think thats something I am starting to enjoy, that I am finding exercises that can be done daily, that can bring some sense of happiness, and not so much feel like a chore but more of a routine. 

Like today, I started the day by stretching myself out, to be honest, my chest is still aching from the burn from the first day, but damn baby I like it – I love it – I want some more of it !    Bring that attitude to your work outs, and you’ll start to really enjoy the ache that Tony gives you.  I actually had an easier time today keeping up with Tony’s count, there were times when I did have to hit that pause button, but like I said one day, Tony’s going to be having to hit the fast forward button to keep up with me.  Hey, it can happen ! 

I experimented today with the P90X Resistance Bands like Daniel in the Dvd, big loops add more resistance to it, while the little loops make little resistance but if you’re just starting out do like I do for most of the exercises just don’t use any loops.  I do reccommend though that when you find an exercise that you particularly enjoy, experiment with it, have fun with it, make it challenging, push yourself, and I’m coming from a mindset where exercise was a chore, one that I detested but if I can kind a few exercises that I enjoy chances are you will too.  I do reccommend that if you do not have dumbells get the P90X Resistance Bands Upgrade Kit, and experiment with the bands, find one band that is really difficult for you to stretch then place the handles on that, and then work your way down a bit to another band that is lighter but still challenging and finally settle on a third resistance band so that you can follow through with the motions, while keeping a proper form.  Right now, weight isn’t so important, form is vital, and thats what I’ve been keeping in mind.  So to give an idea, I use the Yellow Resistance Band which is a 35 lbs. stretch, then I have the Orange Resistance Band which is 25 lbs. stretch, and finally the Pink Resistance Band which is a 15 lbs. stretch.  To do the overhead extensions I have to use the Pink Resistance Band 15 lbs. but, for me I find some enjoyment out of it, so I did four sets of ten with finally on the fourth set pushing it just that little bit to thirteen reps. 

Mat, once again thank you brother, and Corey, thank you for everything, Amanda and Colin, drop me a line let me know how things are working out for the two of you.  Cassandra, welcome to the remarkable world of P90X, and congrats on your eight month child.  Elisha, I know you’re going to be reading these words, the baby can wait for a bit darlin’ – I love you, and thank you for being the wonderful woman, that I love and soon will be married too.  September 20th, is fast approaching.  For those of you wondering, September 20th is the wedding day, I keep forgetting to post one of our engagement photos for you all to see.  Soon !

Now, like tradition we need some quotes.  Thats something else, if anyone would like to put some quotes on here that they feel may give some motivation, inspiration, or even some thought – please by all means.  This is not just my home for the next 90 days but yours as well, if you want to make use of it – that is.

This quote in particular I think may strike a chord with Corey,

You can’t fly a kite unless you go against the wind and have a weight to keep it from turning a somersault. The same with man. No man will succeed unless he is ready to face and overcome difficulties and is prepared to assume responsibilities.     Quote From William J. H. Boetcker

Undertake something that is difficult; it will do you good. Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.     Quote From Ronald E. Osborn.

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.     Quote From Ann Landers.

If you view all the things that happen to you, both good and bad, as opportunities, then you operate out of a higher level of consciousness.     Quote From Les Brown.

The sad truth is that opportunity doesn’t knock twice. You can put things off until tomorrow but tomorrow may never come. Where will you be a few years down the line. Will it be everything you dreamed of. We seal our fate with the choices we take, but don’t give a second thought to the chances we take.     Quote From Gloria Estefan. 

To be completely honest with everyone, P90X, is difficult, its a challenge, its hard, its not just physically demanding but its mentally demanding.  Its not for just anyone – its for everyone who is looking for a change in their life, who want a change in the way they look at themselves, in the way that everyone else looks at them, and most of all its for those people who are tired of making excuses [like I was] who just could never find the time to go to the Gym, now the Gym is your home, you have no excuses, you have no reasons, the only thing you have is a chance to reclaim your life, you have 90 days to take back your life, to put your life back in your hands.  Changes will come when the outer part of your body starts to feel better, and stronger, there is no doubt that the inner part of your body will start to align with that outer body of yours.  Give yourself a chance, give yourself the opportunity, and most of all give yourself – P90X.

Be well, Be well to others, and you’ll be Great !

James